


Unmasked

by sommer_annie



Series: The Department [4]
Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Again, Cinnamon Roll Gakushu, Fluff and Angst, Gakushuu is very sad, I have to admit I cried a little as I was writing this up, I will probably update the tags as I continue, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, Sixth Sense AU, Suicide Attempt, sorry shu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-13 06:03:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21239345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sommer_annie/pseuds/sommer_annie
Summary: Mask (verb): To conceal (something from view).Gakushu Asano wore many masks as he concealed himself from the world. He know that it wasn't him as he clinged onto the memories of before. He just need a helping hand to chip it all away, to unmask him from whatever help he could get.





	1. Atop where we meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A plot bunny came up as I was trying to go sleep *(which is also the time when I’m trying to mentally write up for ‘Until the day I’m Forgiven’… essentially torturing characters as I try to go to sleep.) This story will have some plot elements from UTDIF, not you won’t have to read that to read this. And there will be no reapers here.
> 
> Don’t worry I’m still working on UTDIF, I’m trying to finish up the Days Arc and writer’s block for it is becoming a bitch.

Gakushu Asano had been taking caffeine pills since the start of Junior High, a boy of 15 with short strawberry blonde hair that was soft to touch. It was harder to get through the day through sheer willpower alone, so he brought some caffeine pills on the counter.

But at the years went by, at the start of his final year at Junior High caffeine pills weren't enough, he needed something stronger. With some searching online he found it, the infamous ‘wake me up pills.’ They were stronger than caffeine pills, almost three times stronger than the previous pills. 

Perfect for students that needed that extra boost to get through the night, studying away and improving on his concentration as he got through the day after an all-nighter. Not only that, but it left a better palate for his tongue and it was a better alternative than to have spoonful’s of sugar in his coffee.

Not that anyone would know that Gakushu had a sweet-tooth.

The moments Gakushu cherished was when he was little, he and Ikeda would eat a cup of pudding together and would talk whatever comes to mind. Whether it would be Ikeda asking the little Gakushu how school was or Gakushu asking what Junior-High was like.

The strawberry blonde misses those days.

He not had a good night sleeps for a long while, he couldn’t remember when he had a full set of eight hours or even six hours of sleep. His life was dictated by his studies and strive for perfection. The dark-circles under his eyes would always be covered in the morning with make-up.

He never had a friend like Ikeda since that fateful day, everyone felt so distant from him that it was better to describe them as acquittances. Even Ren, he couldn’t bring himself to open up to the hazel haired boy, he felt so far away from his grasp. They were not as close as Gakushu wanted to be, it didn’t help that his perceived image was the strong and perfect son of Gakuho Asano hindered that deeper connection.

He was a boy who fluently speak French, Korean, English and Portuguese. His bedroom was filled with awards, trophies and certificates for a range of fields, from the arts, academics and sports. Awards for being ranked first place the national mock exam or for a local math competition. He couldn’t ask for help so he couldn’t betray any weakness. It made him look and feel less human, but more of a symbol to look up too. He had no spare time to spend with the Virtuosos Five because he was studying for his next class. He had to be first, he had to be no.1. at everything.

He was so envious of everyone, the students that hang out with their friends without too much care in the world. The parents that would give their children praise, even if they didn’t get perfect scores while he had to get in his work to get a hint of recognition that would never come his way.

He couldn’t even see his father as his ‘father’ anymore, he became nothing more but an obstacle to overcome and it made Gakushu nauseate. He lost hope, no matter how perfect he was, it would never be enough for that man. Nothing he had done, the work, the awards ever satisfied the boy.

He was so tired, physically and mentally. The work drained him, the awards felt empty and the world was so colourless.

‘Ikeda… please tell me what I should do…’ He asked for the boy who was long dead. 

* * *

After school, in the rare days when Gakushu arrived home early after cram school, he realised that he left his English textbook in the night school the moment as he finished his homework for Japanese History. He was so tired, he could barely keep his eyes open as he tried to rub the sleep away. His room blended in, the text in front of him clashed and mashed together and gave no coherent form.

It was all fuzzy too him, it was becoming more harder to see. He narrowed his eyes for a clearer look.

‘Maybe I should get some contacts.’ His head was pounding in, so he took another pain-killer. He didn’t need to have water to swallow it down anymore.

As he forced himself to get up from his seat, forcing back a yawn and the urge to sleep over his desk. He wore his black hoodie and his phone in its pocket. He forced himself to stand upright as he locked the door behind him. He didn’t even realise that he hadn’t changed his clothes and was just wearing his pyjamas.

When he took his bottle of pills with him for one more ‘wake me up’ pill, he realised that the container was empty, and he made the mental note to order some more online.

As he walked, he made plans for the next day, of what to prioritise on for the weekends, it should be Math considering that it was one of his weaker subjects, but there is some work needed on Science and there was also Ethics. Then his mind went blank and he lost his train of thought.

And after five minutes of walking, he had forgotten where he had to go.

Gakushu aimlessly wandered, he wandered, and he wandered. With no clear destination in mind but anywhere where his feet could take him, almost like a zombie. He was so tired, days of sleep deprivation can do that to a person. His body was as heavy as lead, but he forced himself to move. He didn't know what time it was, other than that it was very late.

And then he realised where he had taken himself to, the place where it all started, when everything crashed around him. It was where Ikeda died, it was where he decided on that fateful day to take his own life, on this accursed bridge. His 'big brother'.

He didn't know what to feel as he stood behind the rails, feeling the cold wind as it passed by and it sent a shiver down his spine. Should he feel sadness, anger, disappointment in himself or strangely enough, happiness?

“So pretty.” He mumbled as he watched down of the water silently reflecting the moonlight. He took comfort watching it, of how calming and tranquil it was beneath him. He wondered if Ikeda felt the same as well, as he was swallowed up by the darkness below. The darkness that reached out for him, calling for him, seducing him to drift along with it. He looked down, and the abyss stared back.

Was it painful? Was it instant? He pondered, he rested his hand against his cheek as he intently watched as the river passed. Time almost felt like it dragged on, like it slowed down, it felt like forever since he stood there. But likely, at best it has been minutes, if not seconds.

What was his final moments like?

What were his final thoughts?

Did he knew that he was about to make his decision after finishing his call to his father?

Would he had known that he would be lifelessly drifting along its currents?

He felt, rather tired... all these years passed by. Tired for the accumulated sleep deprivation that he pushed his body through, his eyes felt heavy. Soon he would one day pass by Ikeda, he... he couldn’t bare it. It was so cruel, to live when Ikeda couldn’t, his age was getting closer and closer.

He was tired of everything. He moved forward and climbed onto the bridge's rails, slipping off his slippers. The water becoming beautiful by the second. He climbed onto the rails, steadying his grip at the lamp post on his right.

_"In my right hand is cake."_ Gakushu sang. It felt so right to sing like this, after so long. He strangely felt a bit energised as he sang. _"In my left hand is pudding."_

He dangerously stood on top of the rails, just like Ikeda once did. It would be unbelievable for a boy as unshakable as the strawberry blonde perceived to be would result to suicide, and yet here he was. Leaning over, too close for comfort and waiting for gravity to do its bidding as he sang.

Gakushu hummed to himself. _“Pudding, p-pudding, pudding-pudding parade.”_ He peered down at the dark waters, like he was encouraging himself to go further as he hummed his childhood song.

_"Towards the enchanting world of sweets, my dear_~." It would had been Ikeda's part if he was still here and singing with him. He would be here, giving the strawberry blonde a little bow and a wide smile on his face. Gakushu asked himself if Ikeda smiled as he fell.

_"Take a bite of that sweet goodness, I can feel it bouncing off my spoon. But I really want to have cake as well…"_ Gakashu truly smiled, it had been so long since he smiled like this. He sang Ikeda's answer. _"Ah, I won't give up. Let's have both instead."_

_"Let move forward. Bounce to-"_ He almost hopped and prematurely ended the song. Only a few more lines left_. "-And then spin around like the Earth."_

He was getting closer, closer to Ikeda, he could almost feel it. He reached out to the crescent moon, wasn't it a full moon on the night he died? _"_

_Off to the world of sweets." _

Maybe in a different life, he could see Ikeda again, to see him and watch him grow beside him, to see Ikeda graduate Junior High, to be there when he graduates Senior High. For Ikeda to see him graduate junior high, to see him go into senior high. Unlike in this reality because it would had been nice. Or would he just be a ghost, wandering this Earth before then, together with Ikeda as they watch over his father together.

No... He didn't want to make his father sad. All Gakushu wanted was for his fa- no... dad to love him again. But the idea of it all, to be ghosts and watch over your love ones was beautiful. Like a guardian angel.

He was about to end it all, end it with the final lyric to the song and with this will reunite with Ikeda's toothy bright smile. He dropped the capsule container into the river, so far up that he couldn't hear them drop. He could still see it, Ikeda's dirty blonde hair and his pinkish eyes, ruffling up his strawberry blonde hair in tangles with his hand.

'I'm coming Ikeda. I'm coming.' The excitement grew, his heart beating erratically in his chest. For a brief moment, he could hear Ikeda coming to him, calling out for him.

To finally sink into darkness, to get a good night's rest, to fall into his arms once more. _"_

_Pudding parade-."  
_

.

.

.

.

"Stop!" A desperate voice called out to him and pulled Gakushu from moving forward into the darkness below. He put his foot down as he grounded himself back on the rails.

A voice best described capable of cutting through darkness, once filled with cheer as they shared their sweets together. A voice he hadn't heard spoken to him for a decade, a voice that wasn't just recorded or from a mere memory.

Gakushu slowly turned his head to the voice. "... Ikeda?" He softly whispered, his purple eyes widened.

And there he was, standing right there with a worried expression. A man in his early twenties, wild hair in a familiar shade of dirty blonde and pinkish eyes staring back at him. He wore a black blazer, a simple white buttoned up dress-shirt matched with dark-grey pants.

‘Ikeda, Is that really you?’ He wanted to ask as he gawked at the other male. His mouth gaped open like a goldfish as he stared.

'Why, why are you here now? After all these years.' He almost cried right then and there. He almost leaped into his arms, as if Ikeda would always catch him as they once did in his childhood.

'Are you just a ghost?' Gakushu wanted to ask, stunned of what he was seeing. Or was it what he wishes to see? A fever dream from his drug-confused mind? Aged up that face well imprinted from his memory by ten years and watch as he becomes what he could never been.

Would his hair even be as ruffled up as it was from those bygone days, or would it be well-groomed instead? Would it be cut and dyed, in platinum blonde or would the colour remain the same? Would he have those handsome features, the defined eyes and sharp jawline?

Gakushu turned away from him as the two images conflict with each other, as his mind tormented him. Still, he couldn't bear to look at that upset expression that he was making because of him, no whatever what age Ikeda perceived to be. Gakushu just held a blank face, he was stilled yet rigid as well in a vain attempt to keep himself from crying.

"Why... Why are you here?" Gakushu's voice trembled, betraying his stoic face. He tried to keep his emotions down his throat, however, he was losing his composure by the second.

_He_ looked up to him, giving him that expression like _he_ was personally offended. A spread thin spread across his face. _He_ tried to form a sentence, "Why wouldn't I stop my-" it was all he could manage before Gakushu snapped back.

"Why are you here now!? I begged for you to come back!" Gakushu bitterly screamed, effectively silencing the other. He tightened his fists by his sides, clutching onto his pants. He only now realised that he was still wearing his night-ware as he demanded his answer.

"I prayed for so long, begged for so long, begging! Anything! But why now, why here? Why here of all places?"

"I asked for so long... Where did you go? When will you come back? Why won't you come back." He asked, waiting for his answer.

"..." The _other_ couldn't answered, he looked up to the strawberry blonde with a confused expression. He was so angry, and the silence only made him angrier.

And then Gakushu laughed, when he realised one crucial important detail as he gripped on his strawberry blonde hair. His laughter sounded so deranged and broken, Gakushu was shocked of how they came out.

"Of course, you would be here. I'm such an idiot." He berated himself for something so important that it changed everything. It was here where Ikeda jumped off, allowing his body to crash into the cold waters below and darkness consuming him before the waters filled up his lungs.

'Was he always here?' Gakushu couldn't help but think.

'Was he struck... Like me?' He smiled to himself, relaxing the tenseness of his shoulders as another soft breeze came, his strawberry blonde flutter against the wind. He took comfort in _his_ presence, he could even hear the faint sounds of the other's laughter replay in his memory and his anger ceased to be. He knew that the _other_ was looking at him, hopelessly and unsure what to do next.

'We could sing that song together once more.' He almost hummed, after ten years, he could sing their ghostly duet.

They stood there, Gakushu still on top of the rails as they watched the nightly scene. The dimmed street lamps, the eerily silence that surrounds them. It was peaceful, however that comfort morphed and twisted, overwhelming him and it tore his young heart with the utter of one single word.

“Please.” The _other_ male said.

Just as Gakushu could pinpoint Ikeda's emotion, Ikeda was the same. He could so easily see through the boy. Even when Gakushu didn't notice or was just deny himself.

"Please." _He_ begged him with his eyes. No words needed to be uttered anymore, his eyes did the talking, just like before and always.

‘Please tell me what is wrong.’ His pink eyes conveyed on that face riddle with concern.

‘Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda.’ He was there, there in his grasp, he was so close to touch and yet Gakushu had to restrain himself.

"Ikeda, it hurts." Gakushu could barely hold himself together. “I can’t do it anymore. It hurts so much.” The _other_ looked like _he_ wanted to say something, but he didn't know what to say.

Everything, the work, the weight, the pressure was swallowing him whole. He was so tried, from the hours of study throughout the late night until dawn came. The world moved on, while he was struck and enclosed in the four walls of his room, studying until his next class came. He was more machine than human at this point.

“I tried to do what my father wanted.” Gakushu wanted to cry, as he relayed his painful experience, but he kept back his emotions down his throat. “I tried so hard.”

"I threw myself into the work, anything to get him to see me." His even tone wavered, his throat becoming more constrained and parched as he struggled to speak out. “I… I.- did so much, so much. Whatever I could get my hands on. I didn't want to disappoint him….”

'It hurts. It hurt so much Ikeda.'

'It hurts so much Ikeda. It hurts so much Ikeda.'

'Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda.'

“Why did it have to end like this?” Gakushu forced out his words, his throat becoming more and more tighter. He shook, it was harder to breathe as he forced back the tears. He wrapped himself with his arms as he felt a shiver through his body as another cold breeze passed by. The hoodie he brought along with him didn’t bring him the much-needed warmth.

“Why did I have to force myself to do this?” Gakushu could feel the tears prinking around the edges of his eyes, how his eyebrows scrunched up. “To wear this farce, the formality of it all.... as I forced myself to continue on, it was ripping me apart.”

This mask of formality shielded his heart, from the ongoing confliction that raged in his soul. He hid until it became the norm, but even so, there was no-one he could talk of how he really felt. Admitting it would only mean weakness to his father.

"Asa-"

"It's not me." Gakushu whispered. Grades weren't always everything, he didn’t need to be perfect.

"It's not me." Gakushu chanted. He wasn't always stuck on a pathway of two ideals, an ongoing battle against his father's ideals.

"It's not me." Gakushu remembered. He always wanted to share his pudding with his big brother Ikeda again.

“It’s not me! It’s not me at all, Ikeda! Please tell me that this not me Ikeda!" Gakushu cried out openly, it was useless to hold back the tears and now he couldn't stop himself from crying. Pink eyes widened, taken aback by the outburst and too shock to give an answer yet again.

"Please tell me! Please tell me that this isn't me!" He screamed out so defensively, lashing out the years of pent up emotions unleashed upon the world. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to be a perfect doll, it was such a lonely existence. Everyone was out of reach from him. He wanted to have friends too, he wanted to go after Ren and the Virtuoses, to hang out with them at a karaoke bar or at a café as they always boasted. He didn’t feel close to them at all!

'Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda... Please tell me what we had before, what I was like before?' He hid himself from the world with a mask, if only Ikeda could come and break away that mask. ‘Please tell me…’

‘Please, please chip it away. Ikeda, please save me.’ The tears trickled down his cheeks.

‘I’m so alone, so alone… please save me.’

"I'm so jealous of them. Of everyone." Gakushu continued his tearful confession. He tried to wipe away his tears, before more only followed.

"How Isogai has his siblings, of how Karma could act without a care to the world, how Ren could passionately talk about poetry, how Class-E could prove dad wrong again and again, how they all could just smile so freely and act so free, how they could all laugh... Why couldn't I be like them!? Why did you have to die!? It's not fair! It's not fair at all!"

‘Ikeda, please come back.’

“Everything is so colourless, so lifeless and dull. It’s so bleak, like there is nothing left... but to be a mere doll for display.” Whenever Gakushu could look to a mirror, all he could see that his amethyst purple eyes dulled over, there was no longer a spark for life. He hated it so much, that pitiful expression on his own face to remind him of what was lost.

‘I would give it all up. Everything, my grades, my awards, so I could see you again.’

He looked back down to be met with sad eyes. "It doesn't have to be this way." Pink eyes looked up solemnly, there was a warmth to it unlike Gakushu's sullen grey purple eyes. The streetlights gave it a golden glow to it.

_He_ licked his lips as _he_ struggled to find _his_ next set of words. "Things, they can get better." _He_ looked so close to crying.

‘I promise to share my slice of strawberry shortcake.’

“You have no idea how selfish I wanted to be... for everything to go away, to finally feel numb. To see you again...” Gakushu recalled another painful memory, five years ago where he was in the same position as where he was now.

‘Ikeda, I miss you so much.’

“.... You know, I tried it once. When I was ten... I had it all planned out.” The strawberry blonde weakly laughed, he smiled and contrasted with the _other’s_ frown. “I went to a place far away from here in the morning, I brought three bottles of sleeping pills and I went on the bus. I did it at the perfect timing when dad went out on his business trip."

"Isn't it funny? I stopped at the sleeping pills, but now I take pills for the opposite effect."

‘I’m so… tired….’

Ikeda looked at him in abject horror. "It was perfect, a forest, somewhere unknown so nobody could stop me. I had the perfect spot, there was no fear or apprehension, all I could feel that a sense of relief." Gakushu remembered it all, that little boy travelling alone and watched as the blue sky slowly turn into a brilliant orange. Imprinting it in his mind of what would be his final memory.

"I could still remember. How the pills rattled in that bottle, as I measured enough to keep a healthy adult. I was so close." He reached out for the moon before it hid amongst the blanket of clouds. "But I couldn't do it."

Gakushu couldn't, he wavered in his resolve and the pills fell from his trembling hands. He remembered how much he cried that day, how loud he screamed, abusing is voice until it became coarse from overuse. How his sobs eventually withered into pitiful whimpers as he curled into a ball in that forest. He remembered the innocent days of before, how he didn't want to forget, about Ikeda and his father, of how he begged for Ikeda to come and save him. For anyone to save him.

Gakushu turned away from _his_ sad pinkish eyes. "How did you do it Ikeda?" He asked, but it was another question that was left unanswered. He couldn’t find himself to be anger for the silence.

"... Do you hate your father?" _He_ answered instead. He looked down to his feet, clutching tightly by his sides, his knuckles turning white in anger. He looked up again for the boy's answer.

‘Dad changed after you died.’ Gakushu wanted to say.

‘I do hate him. I want to hate him. It hurts so much.’

Instead he shook his head, and he answered truthfully. “I don’t hate him. I don't hate dad you know.... I just wanted him to be proud of me.” His face contorted into despair. He didn’t wipe away tears from his redden eyes, it was almost pointless if they continued.

“He won’t look at me.” Gakushu whispered.

“I see you.” _He_ answered.

"He won't look at me." Gakushu whispered.

"I see you." _He_ answered again.

“Dad won’t look at me!” Gakushu lashed back.

"..."

“Ikeda, Dad won’t look at me.” Gakushu chocked on his sobs.

“Ikeda, please save me.” Gakushu pleaded as he covered his teary face with his hands, he asked for an answer that he knew that will never come. He asked for so long, but Ikeda could never come back. He missed how the other smiled, how there would be a slight smirk to it displaying his boastful and cheeky confidence, how he would light up the room. When those pinkish eyes would light up when he saw Gakushu running towards him for a hug, Ikeda was his sun.

Would it had been better to forget? So that the pain couldn’t be as painful anymore.

Would it had been better to receive no context to why his father changed, would it had been better to pretend that it had always be that way?

He still has the chance, all he needed to do is to take one final step, to fall into an endless dream. Why was he still talking?

“Gakushu.” _He_ called it his first name. Gakushu forced himself to look back, albeit hesitantly, breaking his train of thought. Pinkish eyes begged him not to follow the same path as _he_ did or was it what Gakushu wanted it to be. To finally be saved from the madness of it all.

Those pink eyes displayed a fire to it, determination to help him. “Please come down, don’t do this.” _He_ offered out his hand.

"Please." Gakushu was so weak to those eyes, how they pleaded to him.

"Please let me save you." _He_ pleaded. "Just take my hand." Those eyes begged him to take his hand.

“Please.”

Was it a fever dream? Was it real or just a fantasy? If it was, then why was his hand so warm and before he knew it, he took the _other's_ hand. _He_ helped him come down safely from the rails, Gakushu didn’t notice that he was holding onto his breathe.

‘It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real. It’s real.’ It was all tangible. He could feel the touch of his palm, firm in the other’s grip.

The moment strawberry blonde when he was on paved pathway was when he collapsed on his knees, as if all strength has left him. However, he fell in _his_ arms, the warm comforting arms protectively wrapped around him, embracing him. He almost whimpered as he stammered intelligibly, grasping onto him, he felt solid in his hands. They sank to the group, still holding each other.

Gakushu stayed there in _his_ arms, he didn’t want to pull away and so he tightly gripped onto the back of _his_ coat. The comfort he so desperately wished for was here. The _other_ drew him deeper into _his_ arm as Gakushu let his tears flow through.

How long has it been since someone hugged him like this? Or cried while being comforted?

‘Please let this not be a dream.’

"Shsss, it's okay." _He_ softly said, in a soothing kind tone. _He_ ran _his_ hand through the mop of strawberry blonde hair. “It’s okay, let it all out Gakushu, let it all out.”

Gakushu hiccupped, the surge of emotions came back flooding with an endless stream of tears. “I’m so sorry! For being so weak!” He sobbed in _his_ arms, wearing his heart on a sleeve. Soaking the other’s coat with his tears, burying his face onto the blade of his shoulder..

“It’s okay.” _He_ refused to let him go. He rubbed his other hand in a soothing motion against Gakushu’s back.

“I don’t want to forget, I can’t forget!” Gakushu screamed. Again, and again, he couldn't do it, he didn't want to forget those bygone days. Back when Ikeda was still here, back when his father would look at him, back before everything changed for the worse.

“Ikeda, please tell me what to do...” Gakushu tiredly asked once more.

‘Please let this be real.’

All _he_ could answer was, "Everything is going be okay." _He_ continued _his_ mantra of comforting words, vague and never precise.

"Everything is going be okay."

"Everything is going be okay."

"Everything is going be okay."

And yet, it was enough for Gakushu. For _Ikeda_ to stop him from his madness... It was more than enough for him.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Everything is going be okay."


	2. A step backwards

Ikeda Rikuto, the best brother that a boy could ever ask. Gakushu love his brother with all his heart, and Ikeda was the same for the little boy. They were two peas in a pod, whenever he had the chance, Gakushu would follow Ikeda like a duckling.

Until one day, he wasn't there anymore. He was just gone from his life, and everything changed the moment he disappeared. There was some sort of absence Gakushu couldn't properly described, it wasn't just the fact that his dad suddenly personality change, it was something else that was missing.

When he went into Ikeda's school distinct to go look for him, it was there where he realised the truth. Ikeda wasn't coming back, not now or never. Nor with his dad and his old self.

He could barely remember that trip, just a sense of despair and anguish. The anger he felt towards Ikeda for leaving him behind that quickly turned to anger at himself for never realising how much Ikeda hid from him, of how he was suffering at his school. The bountiful amounts of regret and guilt for not being able to comfort and save his big brother.

He was the absolute worse, why couldn't he save him? He should had known.

He just remembered crying so much that day, until his throat becomes sore and coarse, how his words become intangible as it was overcome by his sobs. The protective warm arms that wrapped around him as he cried.

Was it the last time his father hugged him like that, Gakushu couldn't remember anymore? Could it had been a stranger, or a police officer? He couldn't remember anymore. Everything about that one day was so foggy.

It then became the little things that he missed, the way how Ikeda smiles widely, that cheek in his eye whenever he was up to anything mischievous, how he laughed so boastfully and loud that was uniquely Ikeda. His smartass-like quips and sense of humour, that would be humour and annoy Gakushu like how a little brother would.

How he would spread out his arms to catch Gakushu as he ran towards him. How he would lift Gakushu up in the hair and tease of how his little Strawberry shrunk. How Ikeda would let him hide underneath his shirt and jacket. Or how when Ikeda wanted to be extra cheeky would go steal his pudding and have a little chase around, slow enough for Gakushu to catch up but never fast enough to catch him.

And a realisation came to him, he started to forget how Ikeda sounded like, his voice, his laughter, his mannerisms, it was all starting to fade away.

"Did he really look and speak the way I actually remember back then?"

It horrified the little boy. As much as he wanted to forget, for the pain wouldn't be as painful as before. He couldn't forget Ikeda; in turn he couldn't lessen the pain that nimble into his little heart.

He didn't want to forget; he didn't want to forget about Ikeda.

'Ikeda!'

'Ikeda!'

'Ikeda!'

"IKEDA!!!"

It was a mess trying to find anything that contained his voice, he eventually stolen his father's old phone just to get it. He stared at the phone for a long time, looking through the voice emails his father had saved up, shakily he pressed the button.

And he smiled.

His voice was the way Gakushu remembered, that cheery tone, a hint of amusement whenever he would tease Gakushu or call him by his nickname, or when he tells him of the funny stories.

Gakushu cried so much when he heard his once more, of sadness and happiness.

_"Hey Sensei! Tell Shu that I said hi and that I got the new flavour of that pudding he likes_." Ikeda laughed. "_Yeah, I better much called you to say hi to Shu, I think the little guy missed me considering he was hiding under my shirt and clutching my leg for good solid hour." _

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

Gakushu laughed as well as he sniffled, he fondly remembers that memory. He had the habit of hiding under people's shirt when he was scared, preferably his father and Ikeda's when he was younger.

Now, it was the only recording he has left of Ikeda. A recording that was meant for him. He played it again, again, and again.

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

.

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

.

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

.

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

.

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

* * *

Gakushu was listening to the recording again, even after five years, he kept the phone. He played it whenever he felt lonely or when he was having a bad day. 

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

_._

_"Hi Shu-."_

But he decided to do something different today, he played back to that line again.

_"Hi Shu-."_

"Hi Ikeda."

He answered. Gakushu answered as if Ikeda were here again. He knew that Ikeda wasn't here and that it was unhealthy to be so emotionally dependent of someone who long since passed, but surely it would be a better alternative than what his father is doing?

_"Hi Shu-."_

"Hi Ikeda."

What Gakushu was doing was hurting no-one? He wasn't projecting his ideals onto others; he was only seeking comfort from a source that brought him joy and happiness as before.

_"Hi Shu-."_

"Hi Ikeda."

He was going to listen to the full recording, just before heading off to school. He imagined that if Ikeda was still here, he would had already graduated senior high and pave his path to becoming a 'super-cool agent like the CIA' in his words.

And then something caught in his eye, it was a family of three playing in the local park. It was whole-heartedly wholesome and adorable, the little boy maybe at the age of three was holding his parent's hands as they walked off.

"I had that once..." The strawberry-blonde recalled as he watched from a distance.

The little boy wishes for those bygone days to come back, before everything changed, before his father changed. So that Ikeda will come by again and share his pudding with little Gakushu, it was so much simpler back then.

He looked away and went to school, with an ugly sense of enviousness and grief. Of course, nobody knew, he just hides it all away with a mask of a polite smile despite the urge of wanting to scream and cry.

His heart ached and scream while his face kept to his calm and neutral demeanour. 

Gakushu stared at the school mirror with a frown. His violet eyes dulled over, no longer was it bright with life, but sullen with grey and suddenly the mirror cracked. He just snapped, and he took it out on the school bathroom mirror.

He blankly stared down on his hand as it dripped out blood, he couldn't feel the pain anymore. Although he did know that Ikeda would be fussing over such an injury.

He missed him so much, so much... Despite him being numbed to physical pain, emotionally he was a wreck. The amount of work and expectations that were pilling on top of him, him being struck on a pathway of his father's new and old ideals.

To forever be a display doll moulded under his father's teachings, dressed and made into his father's liking. It would continue on for the next phrase of his education, one after the other, with no end in sight.

"Ikeda...."

If Ikeda were here, he knew what to do. He would bring words of comfort to him, he would bring Gakushu's favourite strawberry shortcake over and they would talk about his problems over some cake. He would know what to say to his father.

"I miss you so much Ikeda..."

He couldn't specify why he did it, he thinks as he cleaned up his hand and cover up his deed. Nobody knew that it was him that did it. But he knew it was right then and there, he decided that he wanted to be selfish.

When he made the decision to follow after Ikeda, he went off under the perfect time when his father business trip away from town for three days. The bus trip spurred all kinds of emotions in him; sadness, regret and above all, happiness. Happiness to no longer be a doll for his father's ideals, happiness because he will get to see Ikeda again.

He continued to listen to Ikeda's voice, as he replayed it over and over again until the batteries run dry.

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

.

"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."

.

_"Hi Shu, bye Shu~."_

He went to a forest far away, with enough sleeping pills in hand with a wash of alcohol to end it all. It was kind of sad that the pharmacist didn't question it, believing Gakushu's lies and the forged medical note that he was running an errand for his father.

_"Hi Shu-."_

"Hi Ikeda."

The bright blue sky turned to a brilliant warm sunset. He watched in wonder of how the colours would blend together as he treed through the forestry.

"Hi Ikeda."

The sound of the lid was loud as he snapped it opened, he rattled the bottle. He poured the pills into his hands. He readied himself to swallow it all, washing it down with a half-filled can of beer he stolen from a homeless mean. It was probably the happiest he felt in a long time, the anticipation to see Ikeda once more.

Hope filled his young heart. "I'm coming Ikeda, I'm coming..."

"I'm coming."

He inched it closer to his own, egging himself on. His hand shook, they won't stop shaking, and something stopped him from placing it into his mouth.

'Ikeda.'

'Ikeda.'

'Ikeda.'

A memory flashed by, of Ikeda running to his side after he fell down. Gakushu was running Ikeda rushing in like a heroic prince. He bent down to inspect his injuries. Ikeda looked so worried and concern as he checked for more injuries.

When he inspected the scrap on Gakushu's leg, the scratch on his forehead, he remembered how he was hissing in pain and the amount of crying he made. The gentle soft pats on his head as Ikeda cooed words of comfort to the boy.

Ikeda carrying Gakushu on his back, going to the nearest convenience store to buy band-aids and snacks. Gakushu could remember the warmth on Ikeda's back, like he was smuggling up against a giant teddy bear, the protectiveness that emitted from the teenager, the way the two casually talked about what they wanted to do when they grow up.

Gakushu remembered his answer, he wanted to be the perfect wife and marry Ikeda when he grew up. He would make all kinds of sweets for him whenever Ikeda came back from his job as a government agent.

Ikeda answered so casually, playing along with Gakushu's ideas. "Ha, I guess I can no longer steal your pudding anymore if that happens."

He wavered, and the pills fell from his hands. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Ikeda…"

He couldn't do it. He loved his father and Ikeda too much as well, memories of the past pulled him back from consuming those forsaken pills. Tears rolling down his expressive violet purple eyes.

The times when Gakuho would lift him into the air playfully, the times when he would bring Gakushu over to the old classroom up in the mountains so he could introduce his adorable son to his three beloved students. The times when he used to smile so genuinely.

Back when Gakushu who cling to his father before he pushed him away.

He then imagined how Ikeda would be crying over his baby brother, for following after him, for taking this path. How Ikeda would be in despair and looked to him with concerned eyes. He could envision it, through his teary eyes that Ikeda was standing in front of him, looking at him like he failed him.

And Gakushu screamed, he cried into the sunset, until his throat became coarse. He curled into a ball, making himself smaller, clutching a fistful of grass underneath him, tearing the ground. His cries turned to pitiful and quiet sobs, switching to manic laughter, before going back to bitterly weep.

"I'm so sorry! I'm sorry Ikeda!"

"I'm sorry for being so weak!"

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

The strawberry blonde boy screamed so much. He still begged for Ikeda to save him, time and time again. He pleaded for Ikeda to come back as he walked his way to his home. His throat burns every time he took a moment to breathe.

"Sa-..ve... eee, I-ke...daaa... Help, h-he-help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...." He let out a gut-wrenching sob.

Under the cover of night, even as his legs screamed in pain, he pushed forward back into his home. He called out for Ikeda, like they were play a game of hide-and-seek, but he never saw Ikeda again.

The halls were so colourless and lifeless. There were no family photos that would normally be hung around the house, no personals to give the house a theme or character. His dirty shoes neatly put away at the front and he silently walked up to his bedroom. His cage, his room became his world.

He went straight to bed and loudly sobbed into his pillow.

'Everything hurts.' His legs, his feet, his voice, his heart, everything hurt. It took hours to walk back home, hours that it was already a new day.

He hid himself from the world with a mask that day. The perfect image of the perfect son of Asano, not a blemish in his record. If only Ikeda could come and break away that mask.

However, he was never coming back and Gakushu continued to cry in his sleep. For now and forever, he will be entrapped, just like what his father's teachings entails. He will be a puppet to his father's teachings.

"Anyone..." Although he asked for anyone to save him, although that would be nice... The one he continued to ask for time and time again was Ikeda Rikuto. The best big brother there ever was.

'Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Please come back.'

"Ikeda." He hiccupped under his blanket. "Save me."

But Ikeda Rikuto never came. He wished that he had the confident and he berated himself in his cowardice for not following after him and for not fully committing to his plan.

No more times where they ate sweets together, no more times when Ikeda called him ‘Shu’, no more times when he hid under Ikeda’s jacket, no more Ikeda…

'Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda. Ikeda.' He continued his mantra in his sleep. Fat tears rolling down his checks.

"Ik-.. Ike..." 

"... keee... daada."

".... Ike....-da....." And oddly enough, it was comforting. It was like he was here in his sleep, as if he could feel his presence here next to him. And as daybreak came, Gakushu fallen asleep.

In his dream played out a blissful memory, they were at a café gouging on a giant parfait, he and Ikeda, smiles all around.

After he falls asleep and into a happier dream. A voice called to him and softly patted his head.

"Hi Shu..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After some thinking, I have a good idea of where this story is going to, hopefully.... which is how should I make Gakushu really emotional dependent on Ikeda (answer: A LOT.)
> 
> After reading Ghosted by skyestar7703, I wanted to add some ghost elements to my garage mix of angst and have a spin on it.


	3. Admist the snow

_"Everything is going to be okay."_

.

.

.

.

.

All Gakushu could remember was the sense of warm arms wrapped protectively around him, the amount of crying unleashed as he sobbed against the other's chest. How his throat make coarse and sore as he screamed into the night. That warm was like a ray of sunshine.

And him smiling against _Ikeda's_ chest. How his own chest lit up, how fast his heart went. Then the sensation of him being their jacket, being lifted in the air, being carried, the warmth of someone's beating chest as they ran.

They ran so fast, he was held so tightly in the other's grip.

Despite that warmth emitting from the other, he felt rather cold himself. He could feel himself getting colder by the second. Even as the other wrapped his coat around him, even as he tried to bring him closer, it was still cold.

Everything still hurts, his legs and feet from walking, his body aching from the cold, his mind screaming at him from the sleep deprivation.

"So cold... So cold." Gakushu weakly murmured. As he tried to look at the starry night sky to put his pounding mind of ease, he could barely manage to muster his strength to rise his head up. When he could, it was all a jumble mess, a blend of street light, and the sharp freezing wind against his face.

But his heart hurt less at least, for someone to save him from his madness. And Gakushu closed his violet purple eyes, despite the desperate pleads of the other not to close his eyes and go to sleep. He wanted to apologise, he could feel their teardrops falling onto of his face and their grip going tighter, but his eyelids became heavier that sleep became alluring by the second.

And he welcomed the sleep, it has been a while since he had gotten a goodnights rest since the start of the school year after all.

"Night... Night."

* * *

The world faded away around him; everything, the bridge, the buildings, the street lights, the starry sky disappeared. It left him aimlessly floating around in the world of nothingness. 

It was rather a wonderful sensation, it was pleasantly surprising Gakushu thought.

'I don't mind it, this place of nothingness.'

To float around like this so freely. Gakushu felt himself smile as he allowed himself to just sink in this endless void. Here is, no feeling of happiness nor sadness, nor cold or warmth. It is a void, of no light and sound, it is just pitch black of endless darkness.

'It is a perfect for a good nights rest.' Gakushu thought as he seemlessly sink deeper.

'I wonder how deep this is?'

'But... I don't mind this.'

Everything still hurts, the missing piece in his heart, the memory of how his legs bruised as he walked home, how coarse and sore his throat became from how he screamed and sobbed his way home.

But with this void of nothingless, eventually that pain will cease as well, surely it will no longer hurt.

Gakushu hummed. 'Just for a bit.' He will closed his eyes just for a bit.

"...!"

'...? What was that?' Something broke through the void.

"-!!!"

Gakushu opened his eyes. 'A voice?'

Someone called out to him amidst the darkness. They called out his name. He looked up to see a speckle of light, calling out for him. He reached out his hand to it.

"--!!!"

Something stirred in Gakushu, prompting him to move towards that light. Something that tells him not to dive deeper into the abyss.

'Not yet.' His inner voice told him.

"S-.... S--. Shu!"

"-Shu!"

Not yet.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Not when someone was calling out to him. Gakushu swam upwards in this sea of nothingness, towards the voice.

"S-.... S-- Shu!"

He could see it, the speckle of light that calls out to him. Almost there, he just needed to grasp for it, just inches away from reaching it. And he dove towards it and then it enveloped him.

"S-.... S-- Shu!"

Gakushu lifted his head up to the voice, looking up was Ikeda standing over him, hands on his hips with a look of amusement. When he glanced back down, he realised that there was blankets of snow everywhere.

_"Shu."_

"That is the wrong way do a snow angel." Ikeda said as he kneeled down, brushing away the snow catch in his hoodie and in his now tousled strawberry blonde hair.

Gakushu dumbly watched as Ikeda sat beside him. In a daze, he looked up to the sky, they were a murky grey that just blended in with the snow over in the horizon. When he realised that he had full control of his body, wriggling his fingers around, he deduced that it was one of those dreams.

The strawberry blonde looked down at himself, he was still wearing his unzipped black hoodie with his oversized grey shirt and black shorts that he wore as his pyjamas. It was unsuitable attire for a snowy wonderland, but his mind wasn't directed at himself.

He looked back to Ikeda, dressed in his high-school uniform and his dirty blonde hair tousled and messy as if he just got up from bed and didn't bother to fix it.

"You do it on your back, like this." Ikeda gracelessly fell onto of the snow on his back beside him.

"Oh fuck nuggets! Ouch!" Ikeda winced in pain, his back hitting against a pebble. "I did not see that through." There was a brief moment where there was silence between the two, Ikeda looking up at the grey skies and Gakushu staring intently at the older male.

Then Ikeda spread his arms and legs straight out before closing them back in. He was so focused on his task that Gakushu wanted to laugh at it all, here he was in a dream that wasn't simply replaying a happy memory and he imagined with an Ikeda with a deadpan expression who was putting all of his energy into making the perfect snow angel.

There was so much he wanted to say, how much he missed him, to scream how Ikeda left him forever.

It was so surreal, so strange, so like Ikeda... Gakushu smiled, intent with just sitting beside Ikeda, just watching Ikeda and his determined face. Until there was a sudden sharp pain that ran across his arm, like his arm was on fire. He sucked in some air, careful not to gasp out loud.

He flinched at the sensation, but he quickly masked it away with his best neutral expression, not daring to ruin such a wonderful moment he was sharing with Ikeda.

Ikeda turned his head, looking at Gakushu with concern. "What's wrong Shu?"

"It's nothing." Gakushu was quick to answer. It was obvious, especially to Ikeda that the boy was lying. That polite fake smile of his, that was always reserved for school council duties, conversing with his classmates and one for his father.

Masking away Gakushu Asano once more. Ikeda sighed. "Even if you try to deny it, I could easily saw it through." He looked to Gakushu who remained quiet as he lifted himself up .

"So don't be afraid to seek or ask for help."

Ikeda gently smiled at him, and Gakushu crumbled. He looked to Ikeda's pinkish eyes before looking back down to his arm where the constant pain centres around. 

"My.... arm hurts." Gakushu sheepishly admitted as he rubbed around his arm, it was a sudden pain like something was stabbing into his arm and burning into his veins.

Ikeda helped to soothe the limb and kissed his arm, slightly and gently brushing his lips against his wrist. "All better?" He glanced up to meet purple eyes, and smiled.

Something like that shouldn't had work, something that would normally be done to soothe the cries of a crying young child. But it was just like magic and the pain went away just like that. It was so embarrassing, Gakushu ducked his head down against his knees, hiding his blushing face that was obviously wasn't caused by the cold.

"Better..." He softly whispered.

If his face couldn't be any more red, it is now. It was absolutely glowing bright red like a ripen tomato. Ikeda laughed, it was both irritating and heart-warming.

There was a comfortable pause between the two, Gakushu hummed as he soaked it all in. That was until the other lightly pinched his redden ears, instantly Gakushu yelped and slapped his hand away as he rushed to cover up his ears.

"Ikeda!" Gakushu shouted with a bit of a whin in his voice. Ikeda was huffing away in laughter as he surrendered up his hands. He was biting down at his lips, in a vain attempt to stifling his urge to laugh. But Ikeda gave in and rolled in with the snow, with his arms clutching around his stomach.

"Oh my gawd, you should had seen your face! So cute! So cute!" Ikeda laughed as he fell back, he was laughing so hard that he was in stitches and crying from how painful it was.

"I am not cute!" Gakushu angrily yelled at Ikeda's ear. Even as he scowled, it only made Ikeda laugh even harder. The scowl only made him more adorable than scary.

"Nope!" Ikeda popped his mouth playful, really emphasising the 'p'. "You are still very cute."

"You are making this more difficult for yourself, because you are making yourself more adorable by the second." Ikeda smiled from ear to ear, wearing a stray tear from the corner of his pinkish eyes. "Exhibit A, that scowl only makes you grumpy than scary."

"I. Am. Not. Cute." Gakushu spat out though gritted teeth. Ikeda didn't looked convinced, he rose a brow at the boy. "And I'm not grumpy."

He titled his head like a curious puppy. "No, you are definitely cute." He tapped at the strawberry blonde nose. "And definitely grumpy.

"See? Cute. Adorable. Dainty. Pretty. Kawaii." Ikeda continued as Gakushu's blush grew. "Need I go on?" 

"You are only my brother." Gakushu murmured, almost pouting. "Siblings have to say that sort of thing."

"I'm just blessed with a very cute and adorable little brother." Ikeda ruffled up his strawberry blonde hair and Gakushu tried to slap away the hand, after a good minute or so. He was successful although his hair ended up resembling a bird's nest.

"Preaching it my brother."

After a few short seconds, Ikeda offered up his fist. "Truce?" Ikeda gave his signature toothy smile that would make any girl or guy swoon. Someone like Gakushu over here.

'... That's right... We used to do that. After I managed to catch Ikeda after he stole my food, he would offer his fist up as a sign for forgiveness...'

"... Truce." He whispered and he fist-bumped with Ikeda. Gakushu felt his own smile grew, while he untangled his hair. Ikeda smiled with him, content to sit beside the boy and stare up to the sky. Gakushu thought that the other looked so cool doing it and effortlessly as well.

While he was going through the knots in his hair, there was a sudden chill that went down through his spine. He paused, he closely taken in his surroundings as he looked to his senses wanted screamed.

Lurking the in the corner of his eyes, violet purple eyes turned a corner where it wasn't pure white. But it wasn't that it not pure white from a fairy tale, it wasn't covered in grim or mud, it was something else.

"That looks ominous." Gakushu whispered.

Gakushu couldn't help but cowered behind Ikeda, shivering not from cold but from fear as the lurking darkness that was encroaching. It was something irrational, so childish for a boy his age, like he was five years old all over again.

It was unsettling of the darkness looked, how viscous and inky black it was as it stained the once pure white snow and it was creeping towards them. It was like that black substance was draining the essence away.

"It does." Ikeda agreed.

Ikeda looked to the encroaching darkness. Gakushu tugging onto Ikeda's coat and looked up, to see Ikeda glaring so venomously. When pinkish eyes met his, his eyes in an instant became so lovingly and adoring, as if he was his whole world.

"Let's get out of here." He stood up, brushing the snow away.

Gakushu nodded as he struggled to get up. Ikeda offered his hand and the other gladly accepted it. His hand felt so warm and strong as they grasped at his hand.

"Geez, your hands are freezing." Ikeda grasped at his icy hands, Gakushu didn't even notice that they were cold or that they were slightly blue. He rubbed them and drew warm air onto them.

Gakushu paused for a bit, unsure of what to say next. He took his breath and looked up. "Ah, it's snowing." He said, voice soft from wonder. His violet eyes lit up with childish excitement to the fluttering snow as it fell so gracefully.

"Do you like the snow?" The strawberry blonde asked, still looking up to the falling snowflakes. The snow dropped onto their clothes, it melted and soaked through the cloth.

"Heck yeah I do." Ikeda enthusiastically answered, practically glowing in excitement. He looked back to Gakushu and his expression softened once more.

"The snowball fights, snowball competitions, snow-angle making, skiing, shedding down the hilltop, and having a nice hot warm hot-chocolate at the end of the day." Ikeda excitedly listed off, and Gakushu brightly smiles along as well. He definitely wholeheartedly agree with Ikeda's last suggestion.

Gakushu tightly grasped at Ikeda's warm hands. And he tugged back.

They held each other's hands as they trotted through the snow. Hand in hand, side by side, even as their pace became slower as Gakushu struggled through the snow. They continued forward.

And they walked into the light, with Ikeda beside him every step of the way...

.

.

.

.

.

_{Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...}_


	4. Awake then asleep

{Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...}

.

.

.

Gakushu remembered something long ago, it wasn’t significant or important. It was just something that came about if you ponder too long in the shower or let your mind wander off down memory lane when you try to go to sleep. It wasn’t a pleasant memory, but it wasn’t that painful either even he compares to everything else in his short life. It was a day after what he considered the second worst day of his life, after he came back from the forest where he intended it to be his grave.

He was sitting on the ground of his living room, his knees drawn close to his chest and arms wrapped around himself, as if to make himself smaller. He was watching television, watching movie after movie on whatever he could grab his hands on.

He remembers how his body aches, the soreness of his throat, the throbbing pain in his legs after returning home from the forest. How puffy his eyes were for all the crying he did the night prior, how he moved robotically as he went over to switch the DVD out for another. He sat in front of the TV, wrapped in a blanket. The room was dark, the curtails drawn in and the only source of light emitting from the TV. Anything to ease his mind, anything to forget what he tried to attempt earlier. He nibbled on the healthy snacks his father forced as part of his new regime, implemented after Ikeda’s death.

The next film he decided to watch was Finding Nemo. He sat there on the floor; knees close to his chest as he watched. The more he watched, the more he wished that he was Nemo. How pathetic of him, becoming jealous over a fictional character. He wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, he rather be a clown fish than what he is now. And yet, he continued to feel envious and he cried. He surprised himself that he still had tears to shed after yesterday.

He watched Finding Nemo. Again, and again and again. He would repeatedly watch the scene where Marlin would cradle his last remaining egg, whispering to him soft gentle words.

_"There, there-there. Daddy's here.”_

_“It’s okay, daddy’s here. Daddy got you.”_

_“I promise I won’t let anything happen to you... Nemo.”_

He watched as the father, Marlin’s lengths to swam through the ocean to find his son.

“I wish I had that.” He murmured to himself tonelessly, he winced at the pain and gently rubbed his throat, still sore from all the screaming yesterday. He took a big gulp of his hot green tea to help soothe the pain, his father no longer brought hot chocolate anymore.

And then he would watch that same damn movie, again, and again, and again. No matter how many tears he shed, or how his heart ached, he continued to replay that movie. Wishing that Marlin was his dad instead.

Better yet, there was one lingering thought that passed through his head. Why couldn't his father have died instead? He watched Marlin finally reunited his son once more for the third time.

It won’t be long before his father returns home, and he was quick to tidy the room up. Pack away the movies. Pack away the snacks. Hide any evidence of what he wasted his time on earlier. Hide away the tears. Hide away the pain. Hide it all away, behind a mask.

He buried himself in his blankets as he went to bed. He could pretend that Ikeda was still here, it was he who was sitting at his bedside and gently running his head through his mop of strawberry blonde hair. It was Ikeda who was rubbing away the tears, as his violet eyes welled up will more tears. He was surprised that he even had tears to cry still after everything.

He had wished that it was father that died instead of Ikeda. So why… why… why does he still desire for his father to look at him, he wanted to beg just to have even the slightest of glance. He was too tired, his mind begging for sleep. He will think more about it tomorrow, because he was going to see Ikeda again.

And he greeted Ikeda in his dreams. No longer did he dreamt about his father anymore. It was just him and Ikeda, and nobody else.

Forever and ever.

.

.

.

.

{Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...}

.

.

.

{Beep... Beep... Beep...}

_Forever and ever_.

.

.

.

Yes… For much of his young life, it was always surrounded by Ikeda. His first word was of Ikeda's name, his first crush was on Ikeda helping him realise his sexuality at a young age as he watched with awe as he scored another three-pointer. Even if Ikeda will never look at him like that, always the doting brother, Gakushu was happy that it was Ikeda.

And if Ikeda knew from the start, he never mentioned it and acted the same big brother as he always been. Actually, he probably did because Gakushu always said that he wanted to marry Ikeda every single chance he gets.

And Ikeda would cry for how cute his little brother was, and then Gakushu would cry along with him. Their emotions in perfect sync, it was funny whenever they watched movies together; how they cry over the same scene, how they laugh together over the same joke.

After Ikeda's death, even then, Gakushu always thought about Ikeda. The what ifs; if he had lived, if he could had saved him, what he would look like now if he hadn’t jumped off from that bridge. What if Ikeda was still here, would he listen to his problems? About everything; his hopes, his dreams, his near non-existent relationship with his father, the school, the work, everything.

What if it was all a terrible long nightmare, and by the end of it, Ikeda would be there and comforting him?

He would listen to that voicemail again, and again, and again. Day in and day out, when he is on a verge of a panic attack, when he just wants to cry, when he wants to remember what Ikeda sounded like then, before going to school, coming home from cram school, in the bathroom after talking with his father or sitting alone in the student council room. He wondered with all his heart, if he could one day receive a response, just once...

.

.

.

The space is filled up with a bright white light which grew stronger and stronger as Gakushu slowly regain his consciousness. Before, it was like being buried in the snow but now it was just the glaring light that stabs into his eyes. Like he was sleeping directly under the harsh summer sun.

When he slowly opened his eyes, letting his violet eyes slowly get used to the light. He found himself lying in a hospital bed, that he could tell. It was uncomfortable, like a slab of stone. The droning sound of the heart-monitor playing in the background. He could feel something warm around his hand, like someone was holding it.

He looked up and he could barely make out anything in the room. It was a burly mess of white and grey shades blended together.

He mustered all his strength and tried to turn his head to his side, he could see what he could decipher to be people. His body refused to move, even his arms wouldn’t do his bidding let alone his legs.

And when he blinked the warmth vanished. He turned to find a man donned in a regular black suit sitting down one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs. He looks like that teacher for Class-E, the one with the scary look on his face and a permanent scowl on his face.

On that man's face, he was met with a worried expression instead. Now that he looked more closer, the man has some weird eyebrows. That worry quickly morphed in shock and then to relief. The man smiled at him, so brightly with tears in his dark eyes.

Gakushu wondered why he had such a reaction... Does he know him?

Next to him was a woman, her warm chocolate brown eyes brighten up as she looked to him. She just radiated kindness and it envelopes him by her mere aura alone.

'Aura's are a thing, right?' His dazed and drugged out mind wondered as he tried to get up. But someone stopped him, that hand was back, and it rested on top of his head. It was so warm and familiar that it almost brought him to tears.

"It's okay, go back to sleep." The voice told him; it was the same one holding his hand. Gakushu wanted to see whoever was beside him, but nothing he saw was clear. He closed his eyes, following his instruction and he went back to sleep. He could still feel that warm gentle hand patting his hair.

The voice sounded so warm, so loving he thought.

This time he was met in his dreams where his memories played out, this time it was him and Ikeda attempting to bake a cake. Ikeda was too forceful as he tried to open the bag of flour and doused the both of them in the powdery substance.

They had laughed so much then. He smiled as he slept, he tightly held onto the hand as if it were his lifeline.

.

.

.

"You're okay now, you're away from the darkness."

Funny, it sounded just like _him _as well. Like he never grew up. It was a familiar feeling too, as if he never left.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my instragram:   
https://www.instagram.com/sommer_annie/
> 
> I upload art for 'Until the day I'm Forgiven' and other stuff over there.
> 
> And also: Poor Shu, the poor kid is trying his best. I made him emotionally dependent on Ikeda. On board the whump!Shu train, choo-choo! The door is closing, the train is departing and will never come back.


End file.
